maybe im not happy, maybe i don’t know what i want, maybe this isn’t where i want to be. this past month ive been thinking and i mean REALLY thinking, “where am i right now? is this where i want to see myself in the next 5 yrs? am i going in the right direction?” im definitely not happy and ive been lost and i dont know how to fix things. i dont know whether to run back to what im familiar with and ‘settle for less’ or keep doing what im doing and hope that in time things will get better. ive been in this position many times before and this feeling again is all too familiar. “i just want to do things differently” i keep replaying that in my mind. i feel like we’re losing each other. it’s not the same between us and i dont know if this is who you genuinely are.. im just lost, i dont know what else to say. i dont know where to go or what my next step is going to be. quite frankly i just want to sit and just scream cause ive been holding everything in lately. 

i know one things for sure, i miss you,us,your family,our talks,our laughter,our love, above all— your smile. Amazing what a smile can do for you. i just want things to be better. but im just being hopeful now arent i?

indeed is the ugliest trait. need a cure? stop caring. problem solved!

so here i am again..square one.this is becoming all too familiar for me and i should be able to bounce back fairly easily.although…things are easier said than done. i hope somehow this entry gets to you so you know how im feeling. i cant help but wait by my phone and hope to get a call from you saying that everything isnt right w/o me. but my gut is telling me this may have been the last time. it breaks my heart to know that the reason you left was because of what happened in the past. you let your conscience get the best of you and instead of learning from your mistakes and moving on from them you let it take ovr everything. yes our past was a horrible past but look where it brought us..together. after so many times where you swore “this is the last time,i cant see ‘us’ in the future”, we’ve ended up crossing paths so many times. so i beg to differ with your rationales. i know how you are whether you like it or not, so i know that (i hate to say it) youre bipolar and love me one second then you give me the cold shoulder the next. i know what buttons to push to make you go crazy.i know what to do to make you happy. but happy…thats the problem here…you always say youre “unhappy” whenever we’re in a relationship yet i dont think thats the case because if you were so “unhappy” why would you keep coming back? see with me its a love hate thing with you. i love you so much it hurts. and you already know i can never stay mad at you, no matter the circumstance. i appreciate all that you do big and small and im happy to say everytime we’re in a relationship you teach me something new to help me grow. who knows…maybe this is the end,maybe its not.i dont know what God has planned for us.all i know is that my heart is at peace when im with you. never in my life have i placed someone elses happiness before mine.some may call that foolish but others may call me unselfish. i dont regret loving you the way that i did because i take pride in knowing that i gave our relationship 110% i stayed supportive,i listened,i gave my advice and whatnot…so to say i fell short would be an understatement. its been only 2 days since we broke up but it feels like 2weeks. i wish everything just fixed itself and we were back to normal,enjoying each other’s company. i cant help but look back on our memories these past 5 yrs but focusong on what was most recent. san diego,disneyland,universal studios,acn meetings,fishing,watching shooting stars…i cant help but look back on our happy times…even our bad times! one night in particular i remember me crying over one of your recordings of kawasaki? i forget his name,but i was so offended in what he said we argued real bad over it and i cried my eyes out…but what i appreciated the most outta the argument was that you came out of it saying ” im sorry,i only do that because youre the only one that can get to me.youre the only one who knows what buttons to push” and it ended with me in your arms and all was better. youve changed now that i think of it.you say sorry now and i never got the chance to say thank you. i just hope things work out between us and that maybe in the near future we’ll cross paths again. til then i hope you find happiness within yourself. i love you and i always will,unconditionally. im here whenever you need me.

i love you.

im just over thinking things.. ive done the best i could, ill leave the rest in God’s hands.

*stay positive